Mirror, Part 3 The food at home was even more cataclysmic. We had pig feet, pig ears, pig stomach, chicken neck, chicken head, chicken feet, squid, octopus, fish eyeballs and fish balls. We would have eaten our pet turtle had I not begged my mother not to go through such strange sacrifice. After eating dinner, the elders, one after another, nonchalantly belched long and loud. I tried to explain that burping was inconsiderate and that they should say, "Excuse me." They replied that it was the sign of a good meal. At age 10, I began to make friends and I did not invite any of them for dinner. I worried that they would label my family abnormal. I spoke Mandarin at home. It was my first language. Although I was born in the United States, I did not learn to speak English until I attended school. My speech faltered through subject/verb agreements, gender pronouns and prepositions. In reading class the teacher assigned me to the lowest group. My friends sometimes corrected my English and asked me why I talked so funny. |
I spoke Mandarin pretty well. I learned a few choice words from my fighting
parents. I taught my friend Annie how to swear at people. We
yelled, "tahm mah deh nee!" (God damn you!) and "Dah bien!" (Piece of shit!)
at the mean boys across the street. They were oblivious to our insults but we
felt we had succeeded in demeaning them. Thus, sometimes I utilized my
culture beneficially.
However, this was not true in my puppy love life. I liked a boy named Jimmy who lived on my block. I daydreamed about him. I was curious about the kissing him. On a dare, I ran to his house yelling, "I love you, Jimmy Small!" in a loudest voice I could produce from my shy vocal chords. I didn't get a response. Once, while I was walking with him in order to join in a neighborhood soccer game, an older blond, blue-eyed, tan girl/ woman in short shorts rode gracefully by on her 10-speed bicycle. He admired her "tits and ass" while I stood there looking at hers then looking for mine. I felt like a spayed dog. He just thought of me as the little Chinese girl who substituted once in a while in the neighborhood soccer games. As my peers began replacing my stuffed animals, their judgments began to shape by self-conceptions. My friends and enemies told me that I was different. My mirror concurred.
People called me names I did not quite understand. Sticks and stones will
break my bones but names will never hurt me. This rhyme never gave me
solace. At least I could fight back physically if attacked with sticks and
stones. Words hurt me. I was part of an outcast race.
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